But I enjoy losing my equanimity

First the pigeons have a baby pigeon. Bald ugly thing and is wise to hide when I perform my ablutions. And yet the sound of the Qol Tor daughter of Job is heard again hmm. A sign of something no doubt but of what.

A little matter that got the heart pounding again definite sign of loss of equanimity and a bodily reaction that I should have observed until it dissipated instead of launching full mobilisation get those birds out of my sky. Aye Aye Kiptan.

All it was Jesse who is a right Jesse, the advocate has again failed to meet with the Commissioner. Because she is never going to meet with the Commissioner. Now not a good idea for me to engage in witty humourous banter with anyone when I am trying to get something achieved. It's more for when you write up the blog perhaps. Just straight back and repeat. They will say many tales ducking and diving but treat them as a wounded WWI fighter pilot blood and smoke trailing from the surviving engine. Save your ammo short clean bursts of the machine gun from time to time when he is in your sights. And don't get distracted from the target until you actually see it bursting into flames in the mountain side or the pilot ditching and there are two views on whether you may shoot a bailing pilot, the right view and the wrong view, pick one.

What the man arranged was for a meeting with Jesse this afternoon sometime after 5.15. I explained the concept of the bum's rush to your man. I turn up at 5.30 with Fr George, he leaves on urgent pastoral work. At six I am seen by Jesse. After five minutes the Secretary enters with an urgent matter that needs her immediate personal attention. She can then at dinner parties relate how arrogant impatient and rude these NRIs are they expect everything now, after I had cleared my schedule especially for him he just stormed off cursing.

Ah but she is very busy. Then why are you arranging an appointment without her consent at her office today for sometime after 5.15. I will phone her first. Be sure to explain that I am seeking a one hour appointment with internet access so that she can complete an on-line form. There will be some paperwork to be posted afterwards. Ah but you may not get OCI. Ah but you have to be in it to win it. If I do not apply within the next few weeks there will not be time to process the application before I leave for Blighty. He suggested that this was partially my fault because I went away for a month (now I had informed him weekly sometimes daily for the month before that I would be leaving for a month I didn't remind him of this nor did I suggest that he and Jesse were more than capable of doing nothing for me whether or not I was present because that would have been uncharitable).

I did raise my voice with Sunny the Canonist who had claimed now he had not received my email asking for next steps in the Canonical Investigation I was seeking, given that he was the one who told us all at seminar, Canon Law is designed to equalize the relationships in the church and remove unaccountable authority from hierarchy we needs must inform the lay faithful of their rights. Now he is saying well if you don't have everything written up in contracts pre-agreed by canonists and you do not have anything solid in writing or taped conversations then even if he did spend money on trips abroad and even if he didn't spend the money on the amputee he doubts I shall win at a Diocesan Tribunal. I think his advice as a canon lawyer is if you want to bind a priest to anything you will need plenty of rope and a semi-automatic weapon and a vigilant eye and you will need to anticipate eventualities, what you do not anticipate you will have no legal redress for. At which point my voice became loudest and most strained when I suggested but in English law the twelve men and women good and true would be asked to judge on the balance of probabilities which of our stories was more likely and the real trial would be the one conducted by the gutter press, pictures of the photogenic gypsy amputee posing in traditional lambadi dress, dressed for work in the fields love, don't be shy, and on page two a mock up of the missionary priest toe sucking his boyfriend at a five star hotel in Goa with an abbreviated headline precising Even when they are not fucking children they are fucking them over. Those sun journalists are worth their money how do they think up such short and powerful aphorisms. I mean Gotcha! I would have gone for something from Proust but those guys really have the common touch.

As those familiar with my rants will now know. I am not going to hand over my girl to some slimy tabloid journo. The sharks need to feed when they are done with the priest, they will move on to the gel, then me, then back to the priest. The only reason the press don't like destroying a man is that they will have nothing to feed on later.

There is a buzz from giving into aversion and desire. It is the glamour of evil. The skillful warrior knows which battles to fight and which not to fight. If the Superior General clears Pratap of all wrong doing then a pox on both their houses. I will try to find an honest priest to assist her independently of the Mill Hill Missionary Society (or at least one that takes an exorbitant commission but passes some assistance onwards) and if anyone was planning on sending them a huge legacy please consult your financial advisers first the above is not legal moral or pastoral advice.

If that baby pigeon thinks I am going to feed it any of my pure ghee lados it's more stupid and ugly then it imagines if it can imagine. Though Vergil argued how else do they fly.

Oh and I had forgotten to mention thank god for Edit. The aphorism of the Orthodox Sanyasin, when you are silent you are very silent and when you speak you very speak. I tried to explain in very fast english that mine was not mental silence but brooding hence I am never truly silent but he merely laughed mystically. But he is right. They thought I was practising Vipisaana silence but for now all I am practising is sitting still for an hour at a time outwith shifting asana or mudra and trying to talk. But today for example I decided to take a lie in and skip meditation and mass. It probably wasn't a good idea. I meditated for an hour before posting I shall meditate again before tackling more Syriac sentences.

And all for an OCI application. What's wrong with living in Kandy for a few years.

Oh and Jose decent enough director had suggested last night perhaps to be gentler with others they mean well usually. I say I want friendship but when you threaten to remove someone's balls and eyes it tends to scare them away, though we all have soft unhealed wounds still sensitive to any touch. I had taken his words on board but unless I can experience connatural knowledge and even then it is hard to change.